Holding on to Faith in Vulnerable Places

God began giving me these first words to share with you on Sunday.  My hands are shaking as I type.  I have felt that from the beginning that it is important for me to be open and honest with you about my pain.. about my journey.  It's hard to paint a true picture and for most of the picture there just aren't any words.  As hard as it is for a wounded person to open up and stand under judgement, I don’t want anyone to look at me and feel condemnation for where they are in their struggles with suffering.  It’s hard and I don’t like it either, but I keep looking up to the same faithful Savior. 

Last month, I signed up for an e-mail from Bible Gateway that sends readings from the Old and New Testaments and Psalms and Proverbs in bits laid out for the year.  I’ve always wanted to “read the Bible in a year,” but when I prayed about what I should be reading, God has always had a different plan.  So far, this year, God has been giving me the “Okay.” and grace to do it, and I’ve been really enjoying the readings.  I am glad I waited for His timing and thankful for His Bible reading plans for each season.

I "just happened” to read a scripture last week that had been bothering me.  I had been taught that it meant something that caused me to feel guilt and condemnation, but when I read it in context for myself, the Lord gave me an understanding that encouraged me and filled me with faith, hope and freedom.  I hope it will encourage you, too.

Exodus chapter 14 begins with God telling Moses His plan to put Israel in a vulnerable place.. to harden Pharaoh’s heart and to entice him chase after them so He could "gain glory for Himself" and show the Egyptians that “He is the Lord.”  The Lord showed me years ago that he did it FOR the Egyptians.  I love that He does things not only for us, but for the ones who would kill or enslave us; that he hardens the hearts of pharaohs, so He can show many hearts His glory.  I hope that God will use this very vulnerable place that I now find myself in for His glory, too.

God had shown Moses a plan and purpose for putting Israel in danger, and Moses knew that God was going to get the glory.  Moses didn’t know if, or what plan of escape God had, but he showed extraordinary faith when he responded to Israel’s fearful cries.  

10 As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians, marching after them. They were terrified and cried out to the Lord. 11 They said to Moses, “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? 12 Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, ‘Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians’? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!”

13 Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.

14 “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

This last verse has been on my wall since going through breast cancer.  It’s a word that I felt was from the Lord for me.  During the months of recovery, I couldn’t do much more than “be still.”  I’ve done a lot of being still before the Lord since.  I have prayed for help, for wisdom, for comfort, for healing and I have been still in His presence waiting for His answer.. for direction.  I have been obedient in what I have known to do to the best of my ability.  I am being obedient now as I open up my heart to you.

After getting through the one year anniversary of Joel’s Heaven day (December 7th) almost two months ago, we had to face the Christmas season without him.  I chose not to dread Christmas.  I didn’t want to dread Christmas.  I love Christmas.  I love that Jesus became one of us so that He could show us His love for us on the cross.  It comforts me to remember that Jesus drew us to Himself before Joel lost his life… that Joel is now in Heaven seeing Jesus face to face.  We are blessed.

Everything about Christmas comforts me: the Christmas trees, my Christmas tree with close to 175 Jesus’ names on it, the wreaths, my wreaths with the red and white candy cane ribbons that remind me of His pure sacrifice for me, my nativity.. it all comforts me. 

It also all pains me.  Joel spent most of his last earthly day at “home” with me studying for finals, talking to me, and playing his guitar while I put up our Christmas decorations.  Now putting “Christmas” up, taking decorations down and especially not having Joel Manuel here with us; not having him come in the kitchen and see how Christmas lunch preparations are coming, not having him help set the table, not having him sit and eat with us, not having him play games with us is excruciatingly painful and rightfully mourned.

I’ve learned that on the 7th of each month since loosing Joel that I have to be especially nice to myself; I have to “be still” and let the Lord fight for me.  I thought that after the first year, I could stop counting the months since we’ve lost Joel.  We made it through our last “first” holiday without Joel (Thanksgiving - the kids’ favorite), the anniversary of Joel’s Heaven day, Christmas eve service, Christmas day (During the hardest parts of the day, I had to run into my closet to let out deep, sorrowful screams into a pillow.).  We made it through a weekend trip to a place we had taken Judi and Joel just 4 years before and through remembering/imagining seeing Joel just around the corner.  We made it through the news of a death of a friend’s daughter and spent New Years Eve grieving for her and them and for Joel and for the new year we had to spend with out him.  We made it through Judi’s birthday on the 4th of January which is just too close to all the rest of it.  She turned 20 this year; the age Joel was last year when we lost him.  We made it through all of it with joy, hope and sorrow and tears. 

On the 7th of January, I went to a party thinking that I didn’t have to worry about another anniversary until Joel’s birthday or next December 7th, and discovered in my car on the way, as I often discover in my car.. that I am not okay.. I am still in the midst of my grief and I need God to fight for me like never before. 

I chose to be still and to be obedient to breathe even though it HURT and even though I was so ashamed that that was all I could be obedient to do. 

Exodus 14:15 Then the Lord said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on. 16 Raise your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea to divide the water so that the Israelites can go through the sea on dry ground. 17 I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians so that they will go in after them. And I will gain glory through Pharaoh and all his army, through his chariots and his horsemen. 18The Egyptians will know that I am the Lord when I gain glory through Pharaoh, his chariots and his horsemen.”

I was taught that standing still wasn’t enough.  That in the context of this scripture that God scolded Moses for standing still, but what the Lord revealed to me last week was amazing:

Moses' FAITH was what cried out to God.

His command to Israel in verses 13 and 14 (worth reading again) spoke louder than all the Israelites’ fearful cries.  I believe that God’s question was not a scolding but a deep emotional response to Moses’ faith. 

FAITH IS WHAT 
REALLY MOVES GOD. 

There is no record here of Moses crying out to God in unbelief or fear.  God’s response was to Moses.

“THEN THE LORD SAID TO MOSES” 

Moses didn’t know the plan for escape.  He had never seen a sea parted and dry land appear.  He only knew that God was sovereign and He was good and that if they could stand firm and be still and wait on the Lord, that He would show him what to do.  It was a stance of trust and obedience in the face of certain death for a over million people. 

Mike said that he is coming to believe our faith shouldn’t be in our faith or “in a particular outcome, but in God’s sovereignty and goodness.”

God invites us to cry out to him when we are in the midst of trials (James 1:2-5).  He will not rebuke us.  He delights in showing Himself strong in our weakness and in coming to our aide.

God’s deepest desire is for relationship with us.

He proved it in the extravagant act of giving His ONLY begotten SON for us.  Relationship with God takes faith and trust in Him on our part - especially in the hard times.  If God had only wanted obedience, He would have laid out the whole plan for Moses in verses 1-4.  Instead, He tested Moses with only half of the answers and I believe that Moses’ faith surpassed God’s expectations.  

To say that Mike and I don’t know or understand all of God’s plan would be a huge understatement.  We don’t understand why God allows so much pain and suffering in us (personally or collectively in the human race).  We only know, as the meaning of Joel Manual Coleman’s name proclaims, that God is sovereign, that God is with us and most importantly we know that God is good. 

"Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely." 1 Corinthians 13:12 NLT

We are waiting on the Lord and obeying as He gives us grace and instruction.  Holding on even when that grace and instruction is only to stand still.. to breathe.. and wait for Him to fight for us.  Standing in faith even when that instruction is to wait in a vulnerable place where we feel like God could have come up with a better plan.

We have a long way to go, but we are trusting that He is the “author and perfecter of our faith,” that at the end of our race we, too, will see Him face to face and maybe as He wipes away our tears we will hear that longed for, “Well done, good and faithful servant,” because He has been faithful in us and found glory for Himself in saving us.  And we will hug our Joel and sing and dance with him in a triumphal song of praise for all God has done for us and because our last enemy, Death, has been swallowed up in His victory. 

Exodus 15:2
The Lord is my strength and my song,
and He has become my salvation.
He is my God, and I will praise him,
my father’s God, and I will exalt him.

For now I am singing




Love,

Jenny