Seeing Him

Some of the first things that you learn when loosing a loved one
is that the grief comes in waves and has many layers.

Like a roller coaster there are ups and downs and you can’t see what is around the bend. 
You just have to hold on tight and trust that Jesus will carry you through.



The only control you have is over the attitudes of your heart..
and those can be very difficult to manage. 

I think the key is an attitude of submission;
by faith His grace becomes sufficient in you
as you acknowledge your weaknesses
and allow Him to be strong in the midst of them
(2 Corinthians 12:9). 

Jesus led by example when He humbled Himself, made Himself nothing and
“learned obedience” through the things He suffered (Philippians 2:6-8, Hebrews 5:8).



I've heard grief described as something that needs to be 
“embraced” in “small doses.” 
The significance of losing Joel is impossible to take in all at once. 
Each new week brings a new layer understanding that has to be worked through;
new tears that need to be cried.



Through each small dose, I’ve survived by holding on in faith to the truths that
God loves me and is with me.. and by trying to listen and obey as He leads. 
I am always so thankful for His instructions..
especially through these night seasons (Psalm 16:7). 



I continually recite to myself:
“Don't try to get out of anything prematurely. 
Let it do its work so you become mature and
well-developed, not deficient in any way." (James 1)
Allow Jesus to perfect the “work” in you (Philippians 1:6)..
Rest “rooted and grounded in His love” (Ephesians 3:17)...

A rest stop on our way to Texas in May.

The last few weeks, the Lord has been slowly lifting a veil from my eyes;

gently revealing His presence in the midst of my grief. 
I am beginning to see what I only held onto in faith before. 

Tuesday, as a new layer of loss unfolded before me,
I saw the Lord as the One Who has been

slowly exposing the layers of loss and pain;

leading me through the grief of losing Joel.  



Seeing Him there, knowing that I am not alone, 

knowing that He is with me meticulously working

to direct me through my through my grief.. eases the pain a little. 
His gentleness and even His slowness speak of His lovingkindness towards me;
they confirm that He is truly “gentle and humble in heart” (Matthew 11:29).



Seeing His capable hands at work in my grief gives me hope. 

Hope that He is leading me through these painful places with a peaceful end in mind. 
Hope that I will find healing in His wings, rest in His shade,
and a crown of life at the end of this difficult race.



Revelation 21:3-5

 

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying,

“Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and He will dwell with them.
They will be his people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. 



‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes.

There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain,
for the old order of things has passed away.”

 

He who was seated on the throne said,

“I am making everything new!”
Then he said, “Write this down,
for these words are trustworthy and true.”

And then we'll be truly "Happy, happy, happy."

With eyes of faith learning to see Jesus,

Jenny

Focus on the Most Important Things

Where should our focus lie?

I’ve been meditating on one of the verses that really ministered to us shortly after Joel’s home going:

1 Corinthians 13:12 (NLT)
Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

It speaks of trusting a God whose ways are far beyond my understanding; who knows and loves me perfectly and strengthens me in my weaknesses. 

It speaks of hope in a day when we will see Him face to face; a day when we will be made like Him and have a mature understanding of mysteries that are now far beyond our reach; a day when we will see how He has tenderly and lovingly woven everything in the tapestry of our lives together for our good and His glory. 

Last week Holy Spirit reminded me that this verse is found in the midst of the love chapter.  :-) 

As a young mother, I often used this chapter to measure my love walk at the end of the day.  “Was I loving?  Was I kind?  Was I patient when ______ didn’t remember that 4 x 6 = 24?  Was I long suffering when ______ left their socks in the middle of the living room the floor for the umpteenth time?”

When Joel was murdered, I found myself struggling big time with verses 7 and 8.  “Love always protects... Love never fails...” 

How was my sovereign, omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, and most importantly “loving” God living out “Love always protects.. and love never fails" at the moment of the shooting? 

How am I now supposed to always trust, always hope and always persevere when love feels so much like excruciating pain? 

How can my brothers and sisters in Christ around the world carry on living day after day through war, famine, death and persecution; so much daily pain and struggle?

 
Everywhere we go.  Even when we "run away" to the Nashville Zoo for a break on my birthday, there are reminders of the pain and suffering around us.  The family that donated the land to the zoo buried several children in their small family cemetery. 

These are the answers I believe I’ve found in this chapter:

Verse 12:
1) Accept that right now I see things “imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror...”

Verse 13:
2-4) “And now these three endure: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love.”

Faith
2) By faith, believe that God is good, that He loves me so passionately that He died for me while I was still a mess, that He still loves me today and has called me to abide in His love. 

Hope
3) Set my hope on the grace and glory that will be given to me at His appearing.  I Peter 1:13
Romans 8:18, and 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Love
4) While waiting for that promised day, focus on the most important and enduring thing: love; His love for me and through me towards others.


Everything is hard right now.  Even snapping photos of this beautiful cloud leopard at the zoo reminds me of Joel.  He loved taking photos at the zoo and would often take off with my camera.

A recap of the chapter:

Verses 1-3 Without love it all adds up to nothing.

Verses 4-7 Love defined.

Verses 8-12 Our understanding this side of Heaven is very limited.

..but there’s one thing we can count on:

Verse 13: “And now these three endure: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love.”


Jesus Culture’s “One Thing Remains” kept me going in the first days and weeks after Joel’s home going. 



Even when it looks like His love has failed, it hasn't.  One day we'll see the evidence of the things we've believed.  And even if we don't, I would rather have believed and be proven wrong than have not believed and be proven right.

Ephesian 3:14 For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, 15 from whom the whole family in Heaven and earth is named, 16 that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, 17 that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height 19 to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

20 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, 21 to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Doing all I know to abide in His love,

Jenny