Finding Comfort in the Maker of the Mountains

In my hardest, darkest days the only thing that comforts me is meditating on who God is.

Psalm 121
A song of ascents.

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Many stumble over that first part; "I lift my eyes to the mountains.." and want to interpret it to say, "We shouldn't lift our eyes to the mountains, but to the Lord." They fail to see the verses as a whole.. "the Maker of Heaven and earth," Helper, Watcher over you. It's not about "my help is not from the mountains." It's about the Lord.. the Maker of the mountains.. the majesty of the mountains.. God's majesty.. the wonder of how they came to be. It's about the Maker who watches over us.

It's about lifting our eyes and finding comfort in who God is; in His Glory.

Psalm 19:1 The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
2 Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they reveal knowledge.

Want to see God's glory? It's everywhere around us.. in the spring rains.. in flowers.. in creepy crawlies.. under the microscope.. through the telescope.. throughout the universe.. in every person created in His image. It's there.. you only have to see.

I lift my eyes to the mountains.. and remember the force that caused the mountains.. and that that force.. that POWER.. wielded with the same LOVE that held Jesus to the cross.. is the same power that raised Him from the dead... and now dwells in me. It is the same power that helps me.. strengthens me.. that is a shade for me, and watches over my life, and keeps me from all harm. The Maker of Heaven and earth watches over both my coming and going.. now and forevermore.

I can't say that I don't stumble over the "keeps me from all harm" part. Because harm has come to me.. through breast cancer and other ailments... and through the worst kind of harm... the murder of our youngest son. But I know that God has been with me.. He has been my shade.. He has been gentle  and loved me tenderly and has also shown me tough love. He will never ever leave or abandon me. He is Love, Faithful and True. That same majestic power that formed the mountains will carry me home to no more death, mourning, crying or pain. When I lift my eyes to the mountains, I get a glimpse of God's glory. The Glory I long to behold and reflect perfectly.

Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. - 1 Corinthians 13:12 (NLT)

I am known. I am loved as I am. I am watched over by the Maker of the mountains..  I am comforted with His nearness.

Praying you will lift your eyes and find Him as near as His glory all around you,.

Much love,

Jenny

My Family Quilt Story: God's Story

I started my family quilt 12 years ago when a friend of mine lost her husband to colon cancer.  He was 36 years old, in the military and had a 1 and 3 year old son. 

I had prayed, “God how should I pray for healing here on earth or that he’d quickly go to Heaven?”  I’d heard very clearly, “Pray for healing.”  One night while interceding on the floor beside my bed, I had a vision of Jesus interceding beside me.  The sicker he became the closer we believed he was to healing.. when he died we prayed for resurrection. 

Days passed and I prayed, “What happened?”  And God answered that it was my job to pray; His to answer; sometimes the answer would be no.  And I learned that He was God and I was not. 

In the trauma of it all, I decided to make a quilt of my family so they would live “forever” in a quilt.  As I worked on the quilt, I prayed for help as I do for everything.  I was shocked when I felt His presence helping and guiding me especially with the drawings of my family, which are far above my abilities, because in my heart, I knew I was rebelling against God’s omnipotence and wisdom.


As I made the quilt, I understood what some of it meant.  I knew the tree trunk was Abba God’s hand at work in the midst of everything.. holding everything together with strength and majesty; the dove was Holy Spirit moving across the earth in power.  I knew, of course, that Jesus had James in his arms.  James has aspergers and being both mom and teacher to him I often worried about him not fitting into the mold, not learning how to read until he was 13 etc., but the Lord continually gave me dreams showing me that He was taking care of James and not to push him. 

Most of the time I was too fearful to ask the Lord what the rest of the quilt meant.  I was afraid that James being in Jesus’ arms might mean that he was going to die, but one day while working on the border, I felt prompted to ask what all the blues meant.  He answered me that they were days; some light and happy and others dark, but that He would be with me through them all.

I started this quilt in the summer of 2000, but I didn’t finish it until the spring before Joel went home.  Homeschooling 4 kids didn’t leave a lot of time for quilting.  I think I finished the middle part the first year, but then moves came, algebra, team sports etc.; months and sometimes years passed without a stitch. 

Josh, Judi and Joel on piano in front of crazy quilt.

Then we were moving again, and I decided that I was going to finish the quilt.  It had been so long since I’d started that I decided to stretch Judi out to make her taller, then I finished the quilt with a crazy quilt border and hung it in our house in Montgomery.. but I didn’t like it.

We moved again to Huntsville this time and when I was diagnosed with breast cancer in February of 2011, I decided to take the border apart and start over with a different design.  One of the ways I deal with grief is by being creative.  The Creator creating through me helps bring healing.

Then finally, I was finishing the quit a second time and I wanted to add our new puppy to my quilt, but Joel said, “No, it should be like a frozen piece of time.”  So I finished the quilt without adding her in and hung it in our music room... which was in a way Joel’s room.  He almost never slept in his bed and only used the room he shared with Josh as a closet.

One day, while I was visiting Joel in his room with the quilt and admiring it, Joel said, “It looks like a stain glass window.”  He liked the idea, but I had a problem with the thought that it might be memorializing my family.  I didn’t want anyone to think that I put my family above God.. because I so didn’t.  I actually agonized over leaving it up and thought about taking it down many times.

Joel and Josh in "Joel's" room.  Now named the music room in Joel's honor.

So knowing full well that the quilt pattern I’d used for the new border was called “cathedral window,” I argued weakly that we weren’t apart of the stain glass window .. it was a clear window bordered in stained glass, and we were outside enjoying God’s creation.. picnicking or something.  He looked at me like, “Yeah, right.”

On the Wednesday after Joel had been murdered, a friend from Birmingham brought us dinner, and my mother showed her the quilt, and I saw.. for the first time more meaning in it.  I saw that Joel was the one up above all of us in God’s hand, that God knew all along that the number of Joel’s days would be short and that we would be left here on earth with Jesus in our midst.

The meaning of Joel’s names: Joel “God is Sovereign,” and Manuel “God is with us” were demonstrated in my quilt.  We don’t live in a crazy quilt world.. a world bordered in chaos.  We live in a cathedral window world.  A world designed by God with beauty and purpose.  A world were God works everything together for our good.

James is still in Jesus’ arms looking up at Joel.. seeing clearly that he is in God’s hands.  Josh is leaning on Jesus fishing.. for men.. for answers.. for cures for the earth’s woes.. for wisdom and direction.  Judi looks like she’s in a dream world chasing bunny trails.. but the angels (our rabbit, Angel, died of breast cancer at 10 years old shortly after we moved here) are close beside her.  Mike is finding refuge in worshiping while leaning on our ROCK, as am I.. as I search, study and meditate on His word and as I record what He is teaching me.

In these dark days, the one thing that gives me the light of hope is remembering the instructions God gave me early in this grief journey .. to think of Joel as having pushed a head of us in the race.

Hebrews 12:1-2 says
“Seeing that we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race that is marked out for us.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, Who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning it’s shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

It’s fun to think of running a race with Joel, and of course, he would push ahead of me and win, but maybe one day, in Heaven, I’ll get a re-match.  It encourages me to think of Joel up in that great cloud of witnesses cheering all of us on and I look forward to meeting him again one day at the finish line as I keep persevering in this race while keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus.

I struggle daily with either wanting to re-write Joel back into the story God is writing so skillfully.. or begging God to bring me to the end of my story where my suffering ends, every tear will be wiped away and I will hold Joel in my arms again.

I am working intentionally on my grief; asking God for right thoughts to replace my deep longings.  I work purposely and methodically at turning my thoughts to asking for strength and wisdom to live each day for His glory.

Psalm 139:16 says “You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”

This weekend the Lord showed me through this verse that not only was the December 7th marked out for Joel to lay down his life for his friends at the birthday party .. but today and however many days there are left until I see Him were laid out for me to continue living with His help for His glory.  Joel’s story was written on mine before I was formed in my mother’s womb.

The following verse (verse 17) is embroidered on my quilt:

“How precious it is, Lord, to recognize that You are thinking about me constantly.”

Glory to God, Who’s ways and wisdom are far above ours and Who thinks about us constantly!

I Peter 4:12-13
“Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.”

Love,

Jenny

Instructions in the Night Seasons

I’ve had a difficult time expressing how I am doing lately.  Words won’t come.. only tears.. To keep my head from exploding, I journal.. sometimes hours a day.  Here is my most recent entry:

Sunday March 17th.. 

Last week, three months since Joel went home, I was struggling with the fact that murder had entered my “world;” that the evil of this world had been allowed to take my son away from me and I am still here.

Me with my new car.  So blessed.  We (our family) bought 6 cars in 2011.  Long story.

I am having a difficult time wrapping my brain around living in such luxury and comfort as our daily American lives allow; living in such a dichotomy of good and evil.  How do the two co-exist?  Pain and comfort.  Sorrow and joy.  Good and evil. 

Sometimes, I forget how to breathe.

In the midst of my anguish over losing Joel, I’ve been able to see God’s mercy.  I am thankful that He protected us from loosing three of our children that night.  Thankful that he allowed Josh to be a witness (he’s glad he was there).. while protecting the rest of our eyes from such horror... especially Judi’s.

This week I’ve struggled with the truth of God’s Word.  I know His Word is true and His promises are “Yes, and Amen in Jesus” just like I know that His salvation is eternal.. not just until the next time I sin.  He died for all my sins: past, present and future.  They were all future when He died for me.  This knowledge frees me from the bondage of condemnation; frees me to live free from the power of sin.  I've lived by it most of my life.

I am fully trusting in His forgiveness and salvation.. But promises?  I want to stand.. but I don’t know where or how anymore.  Promises of healing?  Many never receive until Heaven.  Promises of a hope and a future?  Are those for in Heaven too? 

Romans 11:33 Oh, how great are God's riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways!

I am afraid even to write/think these words.. they are so selfish.. so many suffer so much all over the world.  Please, Lord, forgive me.  I say this with fear and humility.  Where is Joel’s protection from harm?  His hope and future.. but in Heaven? 

Do I dare to hope again that Your promises will be true.. here.. for anyone else?  Thank You, Lord, for the promise of Heaven... where You will wipe away all our tears and death will die.  I look forward to the day when You will put Jesus’ last enemy under His feet.  

Joel so proud of his first car.  Proud to be learning how to drive stick.

All the boys cars in the drive way.  Mom's and Dad's in the garage.

I understood that one day a car accident might take one of my children.. 16 months before Joel went home, He walked away from an accent where a large truck t-boned the car he’d owned only 10 days.  The shock almost killed me.  For weeks, I couldn't speak of it.  But murder.. a gun?  I’ve lost all sense of security.

Joel the day after his wreck.  I was so glad he was alive.  No one could believe he walked away.  He said he was sore; felt like he'd been playing football. 

A thought I couldn’t allow myself to think last week was of the possibility that a trial could make Joel’s murder appear as just another tragedy; only bring attention to the evil in this world; actually glorify the devil.  Isn’t that what most murders do?  I so want God to be glorified in his death as He was in his life.  What can I do but trust God?  I obviously can not control what does or doesn't happen in this world.

Joel was captivated by storms; displays of God's awesome power.

He took these photos.  Spring of 2011.

The sad thought that did run from the bitterness of my soul over and over through my heart and mind all last week was, “I don’t want to live here.  I don’t want to live in such an evil world.”  It was my way of praying, “Father, if there is any other way.. let this cup pass from me.”

Toward the end of the week, I began praying that God would help me to submit and humbly accept and live where He has placed me.  

I am coming out of the shock and disbelief.
Moving into a wilderness of temptation.
Temptation to give up the good fight. 

Praying for humility and grace. 
Committing my heart..
To trust in God.

Standing firm in the belief of His goodness; 
Of His good heart towards me..
Towards Joel.

Dwelling in the land.. 
This wilderness of pain and suffering.
This evil world.

Feeding on His faithfulness.. 
While afraid.. confused.. 
Desperately lost.

Not knowing which of His promises are for me.
Are for here.. 
For now.

Which are left.. 
Safe to stand on 
When so many seem to have crumbled beneath my feet.  

My hope is found in Christ alone.

Psalm 37:3  Trust in the LORD and do good. Dwell in the land and feed on His faithfulness.

Up until July of last year, I had been faithfully fighting/believing for my complete healing from my surgeries and other ailments.  I grew weary of holding out for healing.. of praying.. 18 months of asking/believing intensely and specifically about the breast cancer.. years for other stuff.

I finally came to the point of “God heal me if and when you want to.  I have asked enough.  I have to move onto other things.” Praying that prayer freed me to receive the emotional healing I didn’t realize I needed.  The emotional healing I so very much needed in preparation for Joel’s death.  Now I need so much more.  

My heart is broken.. crushed.  
Numbness wearing off.. 

Coming to the end of one survival mode 
Moving into another..  
I am just beginning to feel the pain and loss.  

Resting in “It’s God’s plan.. not mine." 
His timing.. there is no rushing through the trial.  
I have to let it do it’s work in me.  

It’s His strength that will carry me through.  
He will complete the good work in me.  

I will do the good works He’s laid out for me 
As He enables me to do them.  

Right now my work is to trust and believe.. 
To seek His face..  
To worship.. 

To allow Him to work in me.. 
To obey as He leads.. 
To do what I see the Father doing.

The Lord spoke to me from Philippians 2:14 early this morning:
“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” 

With instructions to, “Try to learn to be content.”  

I was so glad to hear His voice that I didn’t mind at all that He was asking me to be content.. content to live in a world where my dearly beloved son, Joel, was allowed to be murdered; in this world of terrible evil and great blessing.

James 1:2-6  Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides.  You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors.  So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.  If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it.   Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. 

It’s something I believe I can learn.. mostly because He asked.. and I know He enables us to do the things He asks of us.  I am so thankful for His instructions.  I am counting on Him for them.. for a way out of this vast, dark wilderness... for something to stand on.

Psalm 16:7  I will bless the LORD, who has given me counsel. Yes, my heart instructs me in the night seasons.

I have a long journey ahead.  I am taking my journey one step at a time as the Lord gives me strength; feeding on and trusting in His faithfulness to love and carry me through.

 I am sharing it so honestly here partly for selfish reasons: for in the past, it has freed me to keep moving forward in my journey... to receive much needed healing, but I hope that it some how ministers to you, also.

Thank you for your prayers; especially for strength and God’s glory.

Preparations of My Heart for Change

I’ve been so afraid to go back and re-read my last two “Faith and Breast Cancer” posts. I couldn’t remember what I wrote. I remembered only all the pain and frustration I was feeling and how I so wanted to move forward.   

Writing journaling, posting so helps me to move forward. If I couldn’t write, I would go crazy. Thank you for being listening ears.  

The day of those post was a turning point for me. I stopped fighting the post mastectomy pain and accepted it. I returned to having regular prayer, seeking, waiting, worshiping times. I found peace and contentment, which was what I wanted. I was lost and didn’t know if I should be fighting/believing for more healing or resting content in what I had. Is it possible to do both? I think maybe I am now. ?? 

The Lord was speaking to Mike and I at that time about a “change” on the horizon. We were both seeking God about what we needed to do to prepare for the “change.” In the past, when there was a change on the horizon it’s meant a move or a new addition to the family. Mike started praying about preparing for early retirement and a new career.  I prayed about a career of my own and about adding to the family through adoption. We’ve both had a heart for orphans. I read and prayed and learned a lot about adoption. I am still praying.  

The sense about the “change” became so urgent I finally prayed, “God what do I need to do to prepare for the change?” He answered that I needed to meditate and worship. I thought, “Oh, that’s easy.” I was so glad that I was off the hook.. that the “change” was in His hands.

In August, I started feeling like I needed to go to a woman’s retreat of some kind. I had a schedule conflict with the one at our church. Finally, I decided that if I didn’t go to the Ramp’s Women’s Retreat that I would wish I had, so I bought two tickets.  

The week before the retreat, it came to my attention that there were still things in my heart between me and God, and I started to panic. Nothing stays hidden at the Ramp. The presence of Holy Spirit is unmistakeable and very strong. I knew had to deal with my heart before Judi and I went, or risk crying publicly (possibly loudly) when my heart was undone in His presence, so I started praying and fasting. :-)

The day before the retreat, the Lord showed me a hurt I had buried deep down while seeing doctors about my breast cancer. For me, having the mammograms done weren’t that bad. The biopsies, consulting with the first doctor alone.. all that was hard but not horrible. 

Mike was with me the day one doctor told us with very strong words that we absolutely should not do the thing we had prayed about and really wanted to do. We eventually decided that God led us to him and took most of his advice.  

The day of the surgery I had amazing peace.. peace like I’ve never felt before in my life. One of the nurses was kinda freaked out over my corn allergy and upset the doctor who yelled at me as I lay waiting for sedation.. still not too bad.  

The very hardest thing for me was my first appointment at the plastic surgeon’s office. He had an emergency surgery and could not come in that day so we met with his assistant instead. She was very kind, very professional, told me that with my body shape I could choose any surgery I wanted, and answered all our questions. All was good until she told me that the insurance required that she take pictures of me basically naked.  

She took me into a private room with a curtain, took a front pose, and poses from both sides. All I could think was, “Who in the world would require a thing like that? Who is going to develop these photos? Who will see them in my file? Who at the insurance offices will see them?” I stood there ashamed, gritted my teeth and bared/beared it. It was awful.  

The Lord spoke to me that He wanted to heal my wounded heart; that He bore shame on the cross for me. Later that day, I received a long fb message from my Thai daughter, Savannah, who was hurting. I was so blessed to be able to share with her what the Lord was doing in my heart and pray for healing in hers as well.  

Now and then I will get a vision of the Lord that will stick with me until I get a new one. Sometimes I’ll have the same one for years. At the Ramp’s Women’s Retreat the Lord gave me a vision of His nakedness on the cross. I cried silent tears. It so blessed me as He continued to minister to my heart, but I prayed, “Lord, I hope you will give me a new vision quick.”  :-)

The Lord also added playing my little harp to my list of things to do to prepare for the “change” and impressed on me that I wasn’t only off the hook for directing the “change,” but I had to actually prepare. I hadn’t played my harp very much since the surgery. The tuning pegs are very difficult to turn, it has to be tuned daily, and the turning motion post mastectomy quite honestly was painful, but a little better.  

The Lord gave me four new songs in the next couple of weeks. One song was based on the main message from the retreat, “His strength is made perfect in our weakness.” I so enjoyed the preparation, the time of worship and meditating on my “Confessions of Praise” daily.  

And it so helped me. The morning after we lost Joel. I got up, in shock, couldn’t think, stood in my kitchen and was at a loss for what to do. Just the morning before, Joel had been there visiting with me while I finished polishing up three songs on my harp. Then I knew what to do, “Pray, meditate, play my little harp.”

Brown Paper Packages at the Foot of the Cross

Hello, beautiful, innocent blog.  So much has happened since we last met.  I have so much to tell you... good and healing and terrible and heart breaking.  I plan to do some backward blogging; to tell you about some recent trips, and my bedroom makeover, a whole house re-arange, and about some wonderful things God has done in my heart.

But first, I have to tell you the most unbelievable, awful news.  We lost our most precious, youngest son, Joel Manuel Coleman.  On December 7th of 2012,  our twenty year old son, was murdered at a birthday party.  He and Joshua took an Apples to Apples game to enjoy a bonfire that ended in a terrible gunfire that instantly took my baby boy home to be with Jesus.

God has really given us so much comfort, so much joy in our suffering.  Right this minute as I type I am listening to IHOP streaming live as I often do and they are singing/praying "God of hope, arise, anchor their soul, give them hope that doesn't disappoint."  http://www.ihopkc.org/prayerroom/

This morning I am mourning my losses.. laying them at Jesus feet.  It helps so much to take inventory.  Counting my losses, recording them, leaving them, frees me to count my blessings.

I had a vision once of all my sorrows at the foot of the cross wrapped in brown paper packages and tied up with string like in the song from The Sound of Music, "My Favorite Things."  What I didn't understand was that one of "My Favorite Things" would become my sorrows wrapped in "Brown paper packages tied up with string."  It's as if Holy Spirit graciously takes my sorrows and wraps them up tight so that it's easier for me to leave them there at Jesus' feet.  What had seemed so loosely laid there, so easily picked up again is now neatly and tightly packaged, safe at His feet.

"When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad"

"He restores.  He makes all things new.  Everything beautiful.  He's just in time.  He'll be strong in your weakness.  He will restore your song.  He will restore your soul.  He is there even when you can not feel Him, you can not hear Him.  I'll take your ashes and turn them beauty.  I'll make all things beautiful just in time.  I am your strength.  I am your beauty.  I am your life.  I am your life.  Come to me.  Come to me."  on IHOP now..

Each morning since Joel was taken from us, I wake up to the awful reality that he is gone, that I have loss so much, and I weep.  It's as if while I sleep, I forget and all is at peace, but when I awake, I have to face the reality all over again.

After facing the awful reality each morning, I purposefully to turn my thoughts to the reality of the goodness of God in the midst of my suffering.. as I am now.

Many days it has been this song by Jesus Culture that has given me strength to face the day:


One Thing Remains

Higher than the mountains that I face

Stronger than the power of the grave

Constant through the trial and the change

One thing remains

One thing remains

Your love never fails 

It never gives up 

It never runs out on me

On and on and on and on it goes

It overwhelms and satisfies my soul

And I never ever have to be afraid

One thing remains

In death and in life
I'm confident and covered by the power of Your great love

My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate 

My heart from Your great love

Today, God gave me the extra grace I needed to take inventory of many of my recent losses: losses through moves, of friends, of a sense of security, of a sense of home; losses in health due to my corn allergy and breast cancer, losses of rest and freedom from pain.

And now of this huge loss of our precious son, Joel, losses of innocence, of untainted joy, loss of a friend, a brother, an encourager, a joy, laughter, a confidant, a protector, a companion, a fellow worshiper and prayer warrior, of so much of who we were as family of six.

Writing them all down is part of wrapping them in the brown paper packages of Holy Spirit all tied up with string, part of why I try to write so openly and honestly here on this blog.  The truth sets me free.. free indeed.
 
I am laying it all at His beautiful, loving feet.  Striving to enter into His rest, to allow Him to be God, to give and take away, to work all things together for the good of those who love Him - whatever His definition of that is.  I am choosing to rest, to allow because it’s the only choice.

What I want, what I would choose if I could, would to be to go back in time, in the story of my life and rip out the pages of the last eight weeks and rewrite my story with a much happier ending, but what I am coming to recognize is that wanting anything except more of Jesus is pointless, striving to do anything but rest in what God is doing is futile.

futile

adjective

they piled on thousands of sandbags in a futile attempt to hold back the river: fruitless, vain, pointless, useless, ineffectual, ineffective, inefficacious, to no effect, of no use, in vain, to no avail, unavailing; unsuccessful, failed, thwarted; unproductive, barren, unprofitable, abortive; impotent, hollow, empty, forlorn, idle, hopeless; archaic bootless. ANTONYMS useful.

Yes, that pretty much sums it up.. futile.  So all other wants, in you go, into the brown package at the feet of Jesus.  Self, die so that Christ may live more fully in me.

"A vision of Jesus on the inside.  That restores your joy and renews your peace.  Jesus is with you today to shift the atmosphere within and around you." on IHOP now...

Until He returns, takes me home, or until he decides I have loss enough of myself, I will continue to loose and I will continue to take inventory of my losses, and to leave them wrapped up by Holy Spirit's power at the foot of the cross where I can find healing and help in my time of need and freedom to live again. 

 

For to me, to live is Christ to die is gain.  Phil 1:21.
 
Much love,
Jenny

"Watch Out for the Vomit Chunks"

.. was a title I considered for my last post.  :-)  

Later that night, Mike and I settled in to watch

an episode of a fun TV show to relax.

Their theme was intentionally, overtly obvious:

"Leaving the past behind."  

I told Mike, "I want to but it keeps following me around."  

Afterwards, he checked the mail and there was something 

from one of my surgeons.. it was a $25 refund.. which was nice.. 

but all I could think was "Will this day ever end?"  

I spent yesterday worshiping again.  It was less emotionally trying, 

but more physically trying as I struggled with my corn allergy.

I bought new curtains for my bedroom.  

They needed ironing.  

The steam from the iron made the sizing 

(starch - from corn, of course) 

steam up and make me sick.  

I would have washed them first, 

but they are dry clean only.  

I spent a good part of the day re-designing the curtains (future post).. 

and part on the floor because I was so sick from the steam.

I didn't want to quit and have to face them another day.

Many times my reaction to a second exposure is much worse

All that and I still felt much better having vomited up that last post.  :-) 

Love,

Jenny

An Honest Update: Not the One I Wanted to Write

Today I am taking a day of worship.  It’s been a really long time.  

It had been my normal way of life.  
Work; Sew; Worship; Pray.

“All I want is Your will,” lyrics played from my ipod.
  I couldn’t sing them.  I don’t want God’s will at all.  
I want mine.  His feels risky.  

I know He is good and all He wants for me is the best 

and that He works all things for my good.  BUT I don’t want 

Him to have to work all things for my good.  

I want to control everything in such a way that it's all good to begin with.  

"God, please, change of heart."

I noticed that I’d started feeling safe (last few days).   

I haven’t felt safe since I was diagnosed
with breast cancer a little over 18 months ago.  

I’ve had at least a little “discomfort” since my surgery last June. 
It’s hard to feel safe when you are in pain.  Pain is stressful. 

I realized I only felt safe because I’ve been refusing to really pray.  

The kinda prayers that are two way.. where I listen and obey as well as talk.  

I've been shooting off these kind of prayers when I notice Him..
“Oh, God. it’s You creeping into my thoughts.  I am still kinda hurt.  

Don’t really want to talk to you.  You are scary.  I don’t feel safe with

You in control.  I’d rather pretend that I am in control and 

can live happily ever after; no more facing death, loss, trouble."

I don't want to deal with stuff.. 
clutter, car repairs, food allergies, selling used books, school.

I only want to play; sew decorate.

I found a TV show I like to watch while home alone.  
I never watch TV alone.

The noise helps cover up the silence 
of not praying, worshiping and listening continually.

I was due for my one year check up last month.  I'd really rather keep
pretending that I am in control and avoid any more possibilities of
"suffering much from many doctors."

I've stopped fighting the pain.  
It took a really long time to accept that 
it may be a part of the rest of my life. 

I HATE when people ask how I am doing.
Mostly because it reminds me: I am the same. 

I still have pain; pain that I can ignore when I busy
but that annoys the heck out of me when I try to relax. 

I haven't seen any improvement since last October.
My allergy is actually worse.  Things that didn't bother me.. bother me now.
How much more sensitive can.. I won't even finish that question.

Please, think of some happy thought when you see me, instead of,
"Oh, I need to remember to pray for Jenny."  

I feel silly asking God to deliver me all the time..
I know I've asked enough, believed enough..

How are we supposed to live?????  Pray and fast until healed?
Might help with the weight I've gained from stress eating.
How do you move on to the acceptance part of the grieving process
when you are praying and believing for wholeness and restoration?!

Months drag on, hopes raised and dashed at every little sign of 
improvement or dis-ease.  I want it all to end!  I can't take it anymore!

I'd rather accept what I have than live with 
a split personality of acceptance/rebuking/pleading.

Then.. God whispers my name, or I see someone else's suffering...
and I long for wholeness again.  Not just for me, 
but an overflowing wholeness that touches everyone I meet.

"Come on now, God, if You aren't going to 
heal me this side of heaven, just tell me.
I'd like to think happier thoughts when I think of You!!!"

God often speaks to me in dreams.  
I dreamt of a weasel biting me two nights in a row.  
Lost a bunch of sleep (sorry for the sleep deprived rant).  
I have definitely felt like God has weaseled out of His promise to me;
felt like He has be come dangerous... might bite me if I let Him close.

My feelings are ALL WRONG; A LIE.  
God is not a man that He could lie.  
All His promises are YES AND AMEN IN JESUS.
I am healed by His stripes.
He loves me ACTIVELY.. 
not only in word but IN TRUTH!!!

"Lord, help me not to only know and believe but to trust.
Give me one heart and mind to love you."

Worship brings it all out into the open.

Love,

Jenny



  

Trimming the Tree (with ornaments)

 Every Christmas up until last, I've bought the kids an ornament at the 

after Christmas sales to add to their collection.. then each Christmas

the kids got to decorate the tree with their own ornaments.

They loved this when they were little..

Last year, the kids decided it was too much trouble to put their ornaments 

on the tree and that they didn't really care about collecting ornaments.

It kinda hurt my feelings..  

I decided that if I was going to do all the work from now on 

that I was going to start over with new ornaments for me.

At the after Christmas sales last year, I bought these ornaments

80 or 90% off.. I was so excited.. my favorite color..

I guess my blue and white tree has gone out of style..

there were so many of them left to buy.. I bought 20 for a little over $20. 

A few weeks after that, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and needed

 something to do distract myself from my impending surgery 

and while recovering. so I started making the quilted ornaments

with the names of Jesus on them that I showed you in July.

Reading the names of Jesus all those weeks was great therapy,

  but when I hung them on my new slim tree 

a couple of weeks ago.. I didn't like them. :-(

I loved reading the names of Jesus on the tree...

and I love quilts.. They just aren't my decorating style. :-/

So I decided to make simpler, paper ones.

I bought some scrapbooking paper in my favorite colors

and a corner punch and went to work.

 The cardboard, wire and beads I had on hand.

 Judi and I both liked the glitter idea.

Hear's my new, slim, names of Jesus tree.
 I found the ribbon on clearance last year too..

There are 25 different cards with over a hundred names.

I decided that I had room for a few more ornaments
and divided all our old ornaments into themes.

 I hung the ones that reminded me of Jesus on the tree.

This is one of my favorites..

Then decided to save the snowmen for January..
and make a winter wreath or garland.

There were other ornaments that I will try and have the kids 

go through and donate to a thrift store next year.

 I didn't have a tree skirt.. so I pulled this satin out of my 

grandmother's stash and wrapped it around the tree.

George had to try it out right away.

 My newly decorated tree.

Here are the jpgs if you'd like to print your own:

:-)

J