My Cautiously Thankful When it Comes to the Temporarily Temporal Heart

This is our last night in the Smokys. My mom, dad, sisters and their families left for Texas this morning. The rest of us leave for "home" (Alabama) in the morning. Seeing our family this year in December for Josh’s graduation was a special treat. We don’t normally see each other until the spring or fall when the 1000 miles of roads between us are less likely to ice over.

Have you ever thought about the connection to Jesus’ birth and the “longing for home” theme in so many of the Christmas songs? I’ve worked hard at ignoring the “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” songs over the years and taught myself to be thankful for just us.. the six of us.

For many years I was able to ignore the bad.. the hard.. the sad.. and the lonely and work at cultivating a thankful heart by focusing on the good. I was able for the most part to be a blissfully happy and thankful version of myself. I was that blissfully happy and thankful person that last day between Thanksgiving and Christmas before everything came crashing down. I was standing beside Joel in the kitchen just a few hours before, admiring the person he was becoming and expressing to the Lord with a thankful heart, “I like him so much.  I feel honored just standing in his presence.”

Shortly after losing Joel, I had what I called a "Pollyanna" anointing and was overflowing with thankfulness. I was thankful that my son was the only one who died at the birthday party.. that my other children were okay, and so on. I had guarded my thankful heart as one of my most prized possessions for many years and had almost envied Pollyanna's thankful view of the world in spite of the losses she’d suffered. I didn’t realize I’d have to suffer so much to experience that same anointing.

A few days after losing Joel, my shattered heart ran out of thankful juice and I lost all sense of hope. How could I hope when there was a possibility that everything could come crashing down again? This bad/hard/sad/lonely was too big and painful to ignore. I worked constantly at keeping my focus on Jesus and being thankful that He came, but I'd lost a part of me; the blissfully happy part. I was now broken and so wounded; vulnerable and lost. Mike and I chose to stand together in trust and obedience in the midst of it all.

Our first Thanksgiving without Joel, I earnestly searched for something "safe" that I could be thankful for. Something that wouldn’t crash my world again, if lost. I finally decided on my KIA Soul. It's my first car. Before it, I drove the family van. I really do like my little car. It's fun to drive. It's become my safe place to express all my deepest sorrows. I picked the green one because it's easy to find in a parking lot. And now that Joel lives in Heaven, it reminds me of him. Green was his color. Green is the color of everlasting life, and I like being reminded of him and our eternal reward. If something were to happen to my KIA, it wouldn't be big deal. It is "safe" to be thankful for. I wouldn't be crushed if I lost it.

I am slowly finding other “safe” things to be thankful for in the reality of this broken world that I am being forced to live in. Things that God is using to slowly heal my heart:

Being thankful for my “Soul” was the “vehicle” that helped me find a way back to the anointing that bubbled up from my thankful heart those first few days. I don’t believe I will find that blissfully happy self here on earth again. I’ve been smitten with a homesickness that can only be cured by my real home. I can no longer push aside the groanings that now resonate in my inner man, but I can be thankful for the things He gives me grace to be thankful for in the midst of the longing.

Romans 8:22-24 “We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved."

I am hopeful that learning to lean into the longing and stay connected to my still wounded - slowly healing - cautiously thankful when it comes to the temporarily temporal heart will yield lasting fruit. Hopeful that facing the bad/hard/sad/lonely here will lead to a firmer grasp on our real heavenly hope to come.

1 Corinthians 15:53-54 For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

The “longing for home” theme in the Christmas songs has struck a chord in our hearts this season like never before. The “Home” we really want to be in is the one where our family will be whole again. It still feels "unsafe" to say I am thankful for my family (although, secretly in my heart I am). So, this week I chose to be thankful for what I was able to be thankful for: “time with my family” knowing it would come to a temporary end either when they drove home to Texas today, went back to work and school, or when another one of us goes to our real home in Heaven.

Maybe this verse is why Christ's birth is connected to so many “longing for home” songs.

John 14:1-4 Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God, believe also in me. In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. And since I’m going away to prepare a place for you, I’ll come back again and welcome you into my presence, so that you may be where I am. You know where I am going, and you know the way.

6-7 I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really know me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.

Love,

Jenny

Spring Break Photos Part 2

Lake by our tent at sunset

 We got home from Pigeon Forge, unpacked then repacked for

 camping Thursday morning with Josh and Patrick.

Our tent.. Josh and Patrick ruffed it along a river.. no electricity or bathrooms.  I like hot showers.

 The National Forest was beautiful and only 1.5 hours from our house.. 

so we hope to go back sometime.

The river was REALLY nice.. clear.. beautiful.

First of many waterfalls.

You can see the river bed.

My very own Texas Cow Boy.

We read that there are over 100 water falls along these canyon walls.

We didn't get pictures of the boys.. most of the time they were off on their own..

While we were hiking this trail they were running off the road while messing with their GPS getting a flat tire.  We had no cell service so they were unable to reach us for help.  :-/

Running with Perseverance

Yesterday morning, Mike asked me when I was going to have the trash can the tornado ripped apart picked up.  I made the call a second time.  It isn’t easy to arrange a pick up for when you are home and they won’t forget.  I realized, too that it’s the trash can Joel took the trash out to.. the trash can Joel went and found after the tornadoes.. the trash can Joel duct taped together.. the trash can Joel brought into the garage on Wednesday nights.

It’s hard.  Should I even allow myself go down that thought path?  I didn’t yesterday morning and here I am now at almost 3 AM.  Maybe it’s better just to do the hard thing and allow myself to grieve even over the trash can that is so easily replaced. 

Joel going to fish a trash can out of the April 2011 mess.

I had books (Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman, Heaven, and If God is Good by Randy Acorn) on hold at the library yesterday, so I went to pick them up on the way home from the chiropractor.  The best route was the route Joel took the day that he totaled his car.  I decided to take it.. to re-live it.. to face it.  It was hard before Joel went home; harder now.  I am so thankful that the city put in a much needed red light in response to Joel's accident.

On the way home from the library, I chose another hard path; through the neighborhood just north of ours where I taught our three youngest how to drive just two years ago.  We spent so much time in that blue van.  Judi tipped one of the mail boxes on one trial run.  I learned a lot about self denial and control in that neighborhood.  I continue choosing to make myself do hard things, hoping that they will become easier with practice.

Mike planned this year’s vacations around Josh’s school schedule.  We had originally thought we would spread Joel’s ashes in the Smoky Mountains during Spring Break, but Josh was unable get off from his new stocking job at Walmart and we decided we just weren’t ready.. weren’t sure it was the right thing to do, so we’re waiting for wisdom, peace and more grace.

Judi and James had the beginning of the week off so we took them and a few of Judi’s friends up to Pigeon Forge to stay in a cabin.  It was a hard trip not only because of our original plan but also because Mike and I had spent the beginning of Joel’s last week on earth in Pigeon Forge.  We were glad to have the girls there as an extra distraction. 

The girls on the cabin stairs.  Miranda on top, Rebekah, Judi and Nichole.

Spring Break, Mike's birthday and Passover all fell on the same week this year.  I spent some time meditating on Jesus our Passover Lamb as I do each year while preparing to share the meaning of Passover in light of Jesus’ sacrifice.  That Monday night was our first Passover without Joel.  

I explained to Judi’s friends that Passover is a Jewish day of thanksgiving to God for their deliverance from slavery and bondage, and that Jesus is God’s own dear Lamb sacrificed for our sins so that we could be invited to join His family and enjoy deliverance from slavery and bondage to sin.

Our Passover Table in Florida.

In the midst of my thoughts on Jesus' and Joel's deaths I found myself living with no will to live.  I had just spent the week before coming to terms with the fact that it might be 60 years before I see Joel again.  I had to accept that I could be in this for the long haul.  Remembering the events leading up to Good Friday, the week of Jesus’ death, and His sacrifice as I was reliving the week of Joel’s death in Pigeon Forge was not something I had planned.  I needed the will to keep on living.

I began praying over and over, “Lord, if you are going to continue to leave me here to live, please, give me the ‘will and the do’ for it.”

"For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him." 
Philippians 2:13

Finally, the Holy Spirit reminded me how God had instructed me to think of Joel when I was struggling early on.  He had said, “Think of Joel as having pushed ahead of you in the race.. and crossing the finish line in front of you.”

Meditating on this thought worked quickly to renew my mind; gave me hope and light.  It gives me joy to think of myself in a race with Joel, to think of Joel at the finish line waiting for me.  It reminds me to keep my eyes on Jesus, resurrected and beautiful, Lamb on the throne, and it gives me the courage I need to run with perseverance. 

Favorite picture of Joel in the Smokys.

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race that is marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, Who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning it’s shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”  Hebrews 12:1-2

I remembered last night that Joel was several years old before he could pronounce his name properly.  For the longest time, he would say his name was “Goel” with a hard “g” sound .. trying to get the “J” sound out right. 

Then I realized, that his early mispronunciation was actually a real word with meaning: “Goal.”  I will forever remember Joel and goal together now.. as I run my race, reaching towards my goal.

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 3:14

"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."  James 1:12

The long trip back Wednesday afternoon to our present home without Joel was still very difficult and filled with tears, but thinking of Joel at the end of his race in his true home did add hope and joy to my deep sorrow.  Maybe our next Passover will be in the New Jerusalem.

Love,
Jenny